


kids with no religion

by bitterwholesomegay



Series: even the stars and the moon (don't shine quite like we do) [2]
Category: Autoboyography - Christina Lauren
Genre: F/F, M/M, Mormonism, Spiritual Guidance, queer mentorship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 02:10:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14802359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitterwholesomegay/pseuds/bitterwholesomegay
Summary: It starts with a text from her sister.Hey, as you know, Tanner’s got himself a mormon boyfriend, and it seems like Sebastian could use some guidance. Would you be willing to talk with him sometime?Emily agrees, because she's Been There and Lord knows she doesn't want anyone else to have to go through this alone.





	kids with no religion

**Author's Note:**

> This is dreamers searchin for the truth, but told from the perspective of Gay Aunt Emily and her wife, Shivani. You probably don’t have to read that one first (it’s from Sebastian’s perspective), but it would probably help? Probably? Idk y’all.
> 
> Title from Kesha’s Hymn for the Hymnless, which is my go-to bitter religion song. Well, that and literally everything Tyler Glenn has ever done.

It starts with a text from her sister.

 

_ Hey, as you know, Tanner’s got himself a mormon boyfriend, and it seems like Sebastian could use some guidance. Would you be willing to talk with him sometime? _

 

Emily agrees, because she's Been There and Lord knows she doesn't want anyone else to have to go through this alone. But she's also hesitant about it. She tends not to engage with the church and her trauma surrounding it unless she has to. Frankly, there's a lot there and it's painful as fuck. She's Dealt with all of it (okay, most of it) in therapy and she prefers to put the past behind her. But also….it doesn't take superhuman empathy to see this boy needs someone who Gets it, needs to talk about it without being questioned about why he cares so deeply about a religion that rejected him. 

 

Because Tanner, bless his heart, is not only a nevermo but also wasn't raised particularly religious and has never personally found solace in religion. He won't Get it, no matter how many times Sebastian tries to explain his spirituality and complicated feelings wrapped up in it. She knows her nephew, and while his heart is usually in the right place, he can be flippant and sarcastic and isn’t inclined to forgive people (or institutions) that hurt him or the people he loves. The only side of the church Tanner’s ever seen is the church that rejected her and encouraged her parents to do the same. He’s only seen the Hurt it’s caused, and that’s not something Tanner will forgive easily.

 

So Emily and her wife Shivani invite Tanner and Sebastian over for dinner. Shivani welcomes them into their home with open arms. Emily herself is….tense, to say the least. She's trying to be chill about it, but she hasn't talked about this stuff to anyone who she isn't married to or her therapist in….a while. 

 

After introductions and friendly chitchat, Shivani invites Tanner to help her finish cooking, and gives Emily and Sebastian space to talk in the living room. While not having been raised in the church herself, she's been active in the queer community in Salt Lake for long enough that she's no stranger to bitter exmormon conversations, and figures dinner will be Tense and they'll all dance around everything if they don't break the dam open sooner rather than later.

 

This might be the right call, but Sebastian and Emily are sitting in the living room on different couches, not making eye contact. The nervous energy is Palpable.

 

It's Emily who breaks first. “Sooooo….you….wanna talk about it?”

 

And just like that, Sebastian is telling her his entire life story. 

 

“I'm trying to accept myself but I Don't and oh, uh, do you have some tissues or something, I'm so sorry I didn't expect to cry? I mean I kind of did but not this much and not this fast and--” he breaks off into hiccuping sobs.

 

Emily, for all her strengths, is not a particularly maternal person, and just kind of...awkwardly pats his shoulder while he cries

 

Once he can form words again, he asks her how she did it.

 

“Did what”

 

“Y'know, like, be Okay with it. Happy even? You seem happy, like. With your…” he stumbles over the word 'wife’. Sebastian’s emotions play out on his face and Emily can see he’s working himself into an anxiety attack.

 

Having an anxiety disorder herself, she knows she can at least coach him through this. Deep breaths. Focus on my voice. You're okay. You're safe here. His breathing evens out, and they sit together in silence for a few minutes. Finally, she speaks up.

 

She talks about her anger—at the church, her parents, God, herself—and how after her sister found out what happened, she uprooted her own life to help Emily. How she found community and other angry queer folk in the Bay, and how it took her a long time (and a lot of relationships) to figure out that she was allowed to be happy. About her decision to come back to Utah, and about the woman that is now her wife. About therapy, all the goddamn therapy she’s gone through to get to where she is. About how she’s finally more or less at peace with herself and her life.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Shivani has Tanner chopping up vegetables while she stirs something on the stove. They sit in comfortable silence, with the rhythmic chopping and sauce bubbling in the background, until Shivani speaks up.

 

“You know, this is gonna be really hard for Sebastian.”

 

Tanner rolls his eyes. “What, loving me? Being gay? Yeah, no shit.”

 

“Well, yeah, that too. But I meant his relationship with the church. I know you know, but--”

 

“But what? Like I get it, he thinks God is mad at him or whatever, but I love him, and he loves me, and--”

 

She puts down the spoon she’s using to stir and turns to look at him. “No, Tanner. I don't think you do get it. I'm trying to say this as gently as possible, but Sebastian's going through something that's bigger than the two of you. He loves you—I've seen the way that boy looks at you, he  _ definitely  _ loves you—but this isn't necessarily about you. You're tangled up in it, sure, but his entire world has been turned upside down. That takes some adjusting, no matter how much you love each other.

 

“Right now, you two are at very different places. You've been out for what, four years now? Sebastian is barely coming into his own. He's still struggling with self acceptance, something I get the sense that you closed the book on a long time ago. I've been through this, helped friends through this, and even when you want to be okay with it, sometimes you aren't there yet. There's gonna be rough days, when he feels like the obstacles against him are insurmountable, when he feels like his sexuality is irreconcilable with his spirituality and that he's not gonna make it through this. Some days the pure fact of your love won't feel like enough. And you should be prepared to deal with that. It won't be every day, maybe it won't even be most days, but if you love him like you say you do, you need to know how to support him on those days.

 

“How… how do I do that?”

 

“Well, lucky for you, I’ve got some advice. Now, I wasn't raised in the church, but I was raised in Utah, and I've been involved in the queer community here for a long time. I've watched a lot of people go through a lot of heartache over this church. I’ve learned a thing or two.

 

“First, even though you're going to want to, you don't get to badmouth the church unless you've been a part of it. He's probably still harbouring a lot of love in his heart for the community that raised him and supported him and gave him a lot of good in his life. It's like when you complain about your family to a friend, but then your friend joins in and you're like, ‘woah, wait, I can say shit about my mom because she's  _ my  _ mom, but you sure as shit can't.' I know you're going to be angry with this thing that is causing the person you love so much pain, but don't take those frustrations to him. He's dealing with his own feelings; he doesn't need to feel guilty and defensive on top of it. Come to me with those feelings, don't dump them on him.

 

“Second, only give him advice on what he should do when he asks for it. Between you and me, Tanner? You're not the most spiritual guy. He's probably not going to want unsolicited spiritual leadership from you, especially when you don't know what he's going through.” At this, Tanner starts to protest. “I know, I know, but it's different for him than it is for you. You can, and should, be there as a support, to listen when he needs it, to be a shoulder to cry on when he needs it, and help him through the bad days. Be there for him, y'know?

 

“Just….remember however hard it is for you to watch him go through, it's harder for him. Don't make this about you. I know he's dealing with this because he's in love with you and wants to be with you, but this? His relationship with God and the church that raised him? That's not something you can just step away from for someone you love. It's a process. Whether he chooses to leave or chooses to try to stay, it's going to be hard. No matter what. And it's going to be hard for a long time. But you can do your best to be there for him, and remind him how much you love him.”

 

“Was it worth it with Emily?”

 

“I met your aunt well after everything went down with her and the church and her parents. She'd more or less stabilized from it when I came along. Which is not to say she didn't, or doesn't, have hard days--she does. But the hurricane has mostly passed.

 

“But I have dated women in the past who are in the process of leaving the church, and I've got to tell you: it's really hard. It's really, really hard. Even when their minds are made up, it's Hard. But it does get easier. And, to me at least, it's worth it. Even if you two don't stay together forever, I think it'll be worth it.”

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

Emily and Sebastian come back in for dinner. They talk about lighter topics over food, and have a couple of good laughs together. Before Sebastian and Tanner leave, Emily gives Sebastian contact info for a few of her friends at Affirmation, a group of queer mormons, exmormons, and their allies.

 

After Sebastian and Tanner leave, Shivani takes one look at Emily, sees her emotional exhaustion in her eyes, and suggests they go snuggle up in bed.

 

Under the covers, Shivani holds Emily close, and Emily lays her head on her wife’s chest. “Y’know I don’t pray anymore, but if I did, I would pray for Sebastian Brother. Kid needs it. I hope I said something even a little useful.”

 

“Honey, of course you did. He seemed so much calmer when he left than when he came in. He was shaking like a leaf when I answered the door, poor thing.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I think you’re right. I just...I hope he’ll be okay.”

 

“I think he will.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, the advice that Shivani gives is my actual, certified Bitter Exmormon Advice™ that I have both given and received. imo? 10/10 would endorse and give again.
> 
> As with the first fic in this series, I want to note that colloquially both ‘the church’ and ‘mormon’/‘mormonism’/all derivatives thereof are usually capitalized, and it is a Conscious (and Bitter) decision not to do so here.
> 
> Affirmation is a real org and here’s their website. They do a lot (maybe even most?) of their networking and connection and talking to each other on facebook. If you’re not comfortable using your account with your real name, like Sebastian is in the fic, you can Absolutely make a fake anonymous account for this purpose. It’s not uncommon, and I know a lot of people who do.
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr about this book, mormon stuff, gay stuff, or whatever the fuck else you wanna talk about.


End file.
